Post by Caleb on Jun 29, 2011 22:45:42 GMT -5
While I tend to be a bit of a stickler for proper capitalization, I think the most important thing you're going to have to work on with your application is proper grammar. It's not *too* bad, but there are a few things that stick out that keep me from giving you my vote on temporary approval. Let me give you an example of what I mean with what you put under Nasami's occupation.
*This is what you put in the app*
"nasami grew up a pretty normal life, but it just wasn't enough for her. she had a mother and a father, but sadly the father was the only one that stuck around. her mother moved away when she was to young to even remember what her mother looked like. her father always told her that her mother was a good woman that had an even better dream. of course that only left room for nasami to suppose that her mother's dream was the same as her own dream, a dream to rule the world."
*And here is what we're generally looking for*
"Growing up, Nasami had a pretty normal life. She had a mother and a father, but sadly her father was the only one that stuck around through out the duration of her childhood. Her mother left her father when she was still too young to remember. Her father still spoke well of her despite her abandonment of both Nasami and himself."
You might notice that I haven't included Nasami's dream of world domination in that paragraph. The reason is that what you put for occupation really belongs in history. But then again the same with the whole "world domination" dream of hers. It's not her occupation at this point, so you shouldn't be putting it in there. Also, history should be described chronologically instead of jumping back and forth between future goals. World domination isn't really something a small child thinks up anyway.
What I put for you in the above paragraph is a great start for your history, detailing info about her early childhood. The next step would be to go into her adolescent years, otherwise known as her preteens. Also, another thing I'd suggest is to give her a legitimate reason for her to think her mother wanted to rule the world. Maybe she learned that she was part of Team Rocket, or one of the other groups that disbanded to make up Team Ultimatum, the antagonists in the setting that you'll be playing in.
This might be a bit to work on, but it's going to be something that will pay out in the long run. It's a big step to becoming a better writer and more importantly that people can understand what you put up on the site.
*This is what you put in the app*
"nasami grew up a pretty normal life, but it just wasn't enough for her. she had a mother and a father, but sadly the father was the only one that stuck around. her mother moved away when she was to young to even remember what her mother looked like. her father always told her that her mother was a good woman that had an even better dream. of course that only left room for nasami to suppose that her mother's dream was the same as her own dream, a dream to rule the world."
*And here is what we're generally looking for*
"Growing up, Nasami had a pretty normal life. She had a mother and a father, but sadly her father was the only one that stuck around through out the duration of her childhood. Her mother left her father when she was still too young to remember. Her father still spoke well of her despite her abandonment of both Nasami and himself."
You might notice that I haven't included Nasami's dream of world domination in that paragraph. The reason is that what you put for occupation really belongs in history. But then again the same with the whole "world domination" dream of hers. It's not her occupation at this point, so you shouldn't be putting it in there. Also, history should be described chronologically instead of jumping back and forth between future goals. World domination isn't really something a small child thinks up anyway.
What I put for you in the above paragraph is a great start for your history, detailing info about her early childhood. The next step would be to go into her adolescent years, otherwise known as her preteens. Also, another thing I'd suggest is to give her a legitimate reason for her to think her mother wanted to rule the world. Maybe she learned that she was part of Team Rocket, or one of the other groups that disbanded to make up Team Ultimatum, the antagonists in the setting that you'll be playing in.
This might be a bit to work on, but it's going to be something that will pay out in the long run. It's a big step to becoming a better writer and more importantly that people can understand what you put up on the site.
